Polyamory: what do I mean when I say I am Poly?

I am pleased and en-heartened by the Supreme Court ruling making two person marriage of adults regardless of gender legal in all 50 states. Since the Stonewall Riots of 1969 the LGBT community has been working hard on changing the attitudes of the 'Straight' community. They are to be congratulated on a fight fought well and a battle won (while acknowledging the war is not yet won).

Thinking about this made me realize that the Polyamorous community, though starting to be noticed by the media, is still largely in the shadows. We also face legal restrictions, and I am not just talking about the illegality of marrying more than one person at a time. In some states, functional bigamy is illegal and can be prosecuted by the state or used as a pretext for the loss of custody of children. Housing restrictions limiting the number of unrelated adults living together are common. Restrictions on who can see a person in the Emergency Room are common.

In addition to legal issues it is not uncommon for Poly people to find themselves disowned by their families, fired from their jobs (on morality clauses), slut-shamed, or even beaten due to their relational orientation. (reference: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201401/the-five-most-common-legal-issues-facing-polyamorists)

Watching the LGBT community deal with similar issues made me realize that the first step to solving these issues is coming out and being proud of who I am. I have not been exactly closeted, many of my friends, neighbors, and family already know that I am Polyamorous. For those that don't, this is my coming out. I first admitted it to myself about 23 years ago and, with a few abortive attempts at monogamy in the interim, I have lived a Poly lifestyle ever since.

What do I mean when I say I am Poly? I mean two things 1) my heart is not capable of being exclusive in romantic attachment or attraction. Nor am I given to jealousy when a partner is attracted to or involved with another lover. 2) I choose to live a life of ethical non-monogamy. I am up-front with potential partners about my relational orientation. I do not promise exclusivity and then cheat. I do not play emotional games. I will say what I want and accept the answer I am given. I will not manipulate or coerce a partner or potential partner into a circumstance they resisted. I commit to communicate and process my feelings and those of my partners. I commit to respect not only my partners' feelings but also those of their partners, children, family, and other loved ones.

I have seen some marvelous monogamous relationships. My parents were married for 63 years and clearly loved each other as much at the end as they had at the beginning. Most of my siblings have been married for many decades in what I observe to be matrimonial bliss. I am not criticizing monogamy at all, though I find some attitudes and behaviors common to monogamous relationships to be hurtful and diminishing to those involved in such relationships. There are other monogamous relationships that appear to avoid those pitfalls.

I realize that I may offend some by my candor. You have the right to be offended if you so choose. I don't choose to give any weight to your offense in my life decisions.

I welcome thoughtful comments. I will delete hateful responses.